


Reification

by ikoliholic (makeme)



Category: Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Consensual Violence, Explicit Sexual Content, Loki Does What He Wants, Loki Has Issues, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Post-Thor: The Dark World, Rough Sex, Shapeshifter Loki, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000, loki is a little shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-13 11:40:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4520550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makeme/pseuds/ikoliholic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Disguised as Odin the All-Father, Loki gets everything he wants: power, deception and vengeance.<br/>Except, he realises it may not be <i>quite</i> everything he wants.</p><p>Post-Thor: The Dark World</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

>   
>    
>  Reification  
>  reify |ˈriːɪfʌɪ, ˈreɪɪ-| verb (reifies, reifying, reified) [ with obj. ] formal  
>  To make (something abstract) more concrete or real: _these instincts are, in man, reified as verbal constructs._

***

He realises the moment he slides the throwing dagger into Thor's side, betraying his trust with an action that will hurt his soul far more than his Asgardian body. Yes, it becomes crystal clear in that precise second - emotions enveloping him far in a far more terrifying way than his insane thirst for power and madness created from years of lies, jealousy and hatred.

It is beyond love.

It is obsession beyond redemption and it is to covet beyond reasoning.

No amount of battle, blood or death will ever sate the crushing and all-consuming need that Loki has for his brother.

As the surprising sentiment sends every single one of his hairs on end and tears gloss his eyes, he's stunned by his own lack of awareness. All the years - so many years - it had never occurred to Loki for so much as a fragment of a second. He thought himself clever. He wants to be more than like Thor, wants something more than power - he wants... He wants Thor. Something that he cannot and will not ever be able to have.

He knows not what to do about it.

_You lack conviction._

So he will continue to fight, deny and be consumed by his own madness - for surely this train of thought, this terrible realisation confirms the very madness itself to be a truth of sorts, and he cannot be anything but the villain he has already destined himself to be.

***

The problem is, when you're locked up in a cell with only yourself for company, and you're already of unstable mind, you have too much time to think. It's not a good combination. So many long-drawn-out days have already passed that Loki has lost the will to keep counting, and he has read enough books to last him at least a quarter of a lifetime - probably the only perk of the glass prison, he bitterly thinks.

He hasn't so much as spoken a word to Thor since the mess on Midgard - couldn't in fact, because he'd been gagged and chained and has not been permitted the luxury of visitors, save for Frigga.

Lovely Frigga. She had been so kind to him. Yet as always, Loki's tendency for self-destruction and his wicked tongue betrayed his emotions.

_Always so perceptive about everyone but yourself._

He was at least thankful that his mother could see right through even what he could not.

But he will never forgive himself. And he will never, ever forgive Odin.

When he does see Thor after the news of his mother's death, his rage and grief has already manifested in the contained environment of his prison cell. He conceals it to Thor, yet he knows him better.

_Now you see me, brother._

He would have killed himself on this day if he had the courage, but as he listens to his brother's cunning plan, he's glad he did not. It is worth it for Thor's deceit and treason alone, though the implied rage and revenge sound magnificent too.

He is killed anyway though, such as life would have it; dying in his brother's loving arms, stricken with panic and genuine, horrible fear.

And truly he is sorry.

Sorry for many things, but most of all, he is sorry he never spoke a word about that which he truly felt - the abstract feelings for Thor that even his own silvertongue dared not attempt construct into a shape of reality.

And then Loki was resuscitated. Not by another's breath or medicine, or because he truly felt he deserved it, but by his own twisted and selfish seidr. As the unknowing Asgardian sent by Odin placed his hand to Loki's neck to check for a pulse, it ravaged the living and breathing soul it had been granted the touch of, choking it out of him, draining the life force it found and replenishing Loki with it.

As he heaved back to unexpected life, he looked down at his own hands to see the mottled blue of Jotunn that he so despised. He checked his chest for blood, but the wound had healed. Perhaps deriving from such heartless and inhumane origins did have its advantages after all.

Loki was terrified, exhilarated. He had been given another chance at life - his purpose was so important that he had literally cheated death. Looking down at his now normal, pale hands, he knows what he must do.

With a wry smile, he shifts to the best disguise that can get him to the throne. Odin did not deserve to rule any longer.

***

Though he is actually thankful for her, Loki is jealous of Jane. She is very much part of the reason he sits on the throne of Asgard now, in fact, but that a mere mortal can claim so much of his brother's affections makes him maddeningly, sickeningly, burningly jealous.

He is maddened on the throne in many ways, he supposes. It has only been a few months - a mere blip in his lifespan, but already he has felt the draining and twisting it has wreaked on an already unstable mind. Power, significance, duty. The things he was born for.

He watches the idyllic couple through a seidr-conjured mist while sat in his palace, on his throne, still of course disguised as Odin - the real Odin locked away; shocked into another Sleep from casting eyes on Loki and enduring a fierce verbal assault from him.

Silvertongue reins supreme.

Thor kisses Jane with such tenderness that Loki's face burns watching it. The emotions bubble up uncontrollably and he can feel his disguise slipping, seidr fading.

'I would have a moment alone!' He shouts at the palace guards, and they march out of the doors with haste. As the doors close behind them, he becomes himself. It is becoming tiring, all of this trickery. Doesn't have the appeal it once did.

He gazes upon Jane's face, filled with bliss as his brother kisses her neck gently. She is a beautiful-looking creature, Loki himself cannot deny it. After surviving the Aether, she probably is much more worthy of Thor than any other fleeting mortal, but this thought still doesn't dampen the fire in Loki's eyes. How dare they be so happy, succumbing to one another like fools?

_Satisfaction is not in my nature._

_Surrender is not in mine._

Ah, but Loki remembers a time, many years ago, when that same look in Thor's eyes was dedicated to another fair maiden, a certain Lady Sif. It makes his face twist into a sad smile.

Loki had cut Sif's hair off in an enraged act of jealousy (which with the hindsight of centuries he now understands the reasoning for his actions better), slicing her beautiful golden-spun locks amidst cries of absolute shock and terror. Oh, how he'd enjoyed it. That Thor got so enraged only led to further pleasure for Loki himself, for that was what he had wanted all along.

Attention.

When he had pinned Loki to a wall and demanded he magic her hair back, Loki buckled beneath his brother's weight and pleaded forgiveness. So fickle, he thought, to find another so beauteous based on their golden sunshine hair, as if that somehow makes a person better. Just for that, he gave Sif replacement strands as raven as his own; which made everything worse somehow when Thor looked at her even more fondly than he'd done so before.

He creates a projection of Odin on the throne, hides behind a column and calls the guards back.

'I wish to have time of contemplation here, without disturbance. Should you require me - only in the most dire of circumstances may I add - please cast the pebble that is placed here into the shallow pool to draw me from my thoughts.'

The guards don't even so much as cast a confused look, they simply kneel and obey. _Marvellous power._ Loki smirks, and - trickster seed now planted - shapeshifts into Sif.

***

He hangs around in a coffee shop near Thor's Midgardian Apartment, getting some strange looks clad in Sif's armoured attire. He finds the 'Americano' beverage in this drinking establishment particularly agreeable, and considers requesting some pastries with his latest cup.

' _Fancy dress party_.' He states, as attention is poured onto him from an attractive fellow beverage drinker sat a few tables away.

'Can I come?' He has golden hair and prefect teeth, Loki notices, taking a sip of fresh Americano through a hole in cheap plastic.

'Not unless you want my warrior boyfriend to pound your ass.' Loki snickers flirtatiously, elongating the sssss sound rolling off Sif's tongue in a most satisfying way. Midgard is rather fun at times. 'He's Thor. Y'know, Son of Odin. Kind of a big deal.'

'Oh,' The guy laughs, 'so long as uh, Loki doesn't show up and start killing people, I bet you'll both have a great time.'

Loki's smirk disappears from Sif's face. Swiping his coffee cup from the table, he casts a formidable look at the stranger and exits the coffee shop.

Fed up of waiting, he easily breaks into Thor's apartment - his brother really has no fear or sense of security. _That could be easily manipulated_ , Loki uncomfortably thinks as he slithers up the tall building and climbs through a window. He felt like at least _a bit_ of a challenge.

'Sif! Wha-' Thor emerges from where Loki presumes he's been bathing, as the air is filled with a heady lemongrass scent and his beautiful blonde hair is damp, grazing his broad shoulders. He's wearing only blue denim jeans, leaving his glistening torso bare to the world. His Midgardian clothing and comfortably normal surroundings do nothing to conceal his pure godliness; he looks ethereal and magnificent.

Loki hates him.

'Did you... break into my apartment?' He asks, confused but gentle.

'Yes - though only to demonstrate how unprotected you are here. And hello to you too.'

Thor laughs. 'I am quite safe, I assure you. And it is a fantastic surprise to see you, Sif!' He hugs her tight. 'You may use the intercom system instead next time, I will show you.'

He beams, delighted to see a familiar face.

'Is this coffee for me?'

'No, but you may finish it.'

Thor laughs again. 'Thank you. I find these coffee shops across the city to be most pleasant. We have Asgardian equivalents, I suppose, but there is something different about the way the drink is enjoyed here. It tastes much better, I think.'

'Quite.' At seeing a framed picture of Thor and Jane resting on a cluttered shelf, faces smiling, Loki forgets himself. 'The air is notable in here, Thor. Showering the smell of mortal copulation from your skin, are you?' The atmosphere uncomfortably changes.

'Sif, why do you speak like this?' He throws a confused and embarrassed look, noticing a glimmer on Sif's face that he feels is familiar yet somehow out of place. 'You are not yourself, surely.'

'I am _very much_ myself, Thor.'

'Then have care with how you speak,' Thor falters, and Loki realises that he has hit on a nerve, 'for that is a private matter.'

'Are we not dear friends?'

'...Yes, of course.'

'Then you can speak openly of your obvious troubles, my friend.' Knowledge is power. Loki suppresses a snicker - Thor has always been so freely manipulated. It's almost too easy.

His brother thinks for a few seconds before he speaks - a rarity. 'Though we are intimate and happy, we fear that such... physical congress, even with safeguarding, may produce a child that would harm Jane to bear.' He sheepishly sips at the plastic lid of the throwaway cup. 'Not to mention that she does not ever intend to...And but an hour ago, harsh, cruel words were exchanged between us regarding the matter... Our first genuine argument, I think. The risk is too much to take, despite my wish to and heated desire from-'

'That is quite enough for me to hear!'

'Well, you asked...'

'Indeed I did. And I am _truly sorry_ to hear that you are not being physically fulfilled, Thor. A warrior deserves his rewards.' Cogs begin to turn, this is a new twist to take, an opportunity even Loki could not have wished for.

'You need not be sorry, fair warrior. I am rewarded in other ways.'

'Aye, with reckless freedom and Avenging and pleasant-tasting Midgardian beverages among many other things, I am sure.'

'How is Asgard?'

'It is fine. All is well under consistent rule.' Loki's disguised lips stay firmly tight.

'And how fare you, Sif?'

'I am fine also, though the luxury of peace has permitted my soul time for contemplation.' These words roll off Loki's tongue easily - as though they are his own, which he supposes they are in a way, 'I came here today because it dawned on me that I have made many mistakes in what I have and haven't said to you.'

Sif's body language loosens, and Thor squirms, seemingly oddly perceptive of what is about to unfold. Perhaps he is less the dumb fool that Loki often still expects him to be.

'Sif, please do not...'

'Thor, let me speak now that I have finally begun. I deserve that much after all of these years.'

'Please... please do not do this. Our history and kinship has gone so much further than our childish carnal urges of many years past-'

'But I would have you know this - I will keep it to myself no longer, dear Thor. My actions have always derived from one place and one place alone - ' Kind, gentle hands reach for rough, calloused ones, 'my insatiable adoration of my noble friend.'

Thor shakes his head in disbelief, but does not let go. 'You are not yourself - my friend, lady Sif, would not speak in such a way when she knows I am in love with another.'

'Then what would you have your lady do, mighty Thor?' Bold brown eyes flutter.

'I would have her go back to Asgard if she is here to make such a fool of herself and undo centuries of loving friendship - to give into such a base urge or moment of weakness.' He finally lets go of Sif's hands, gently and kindly.

'Thor, I am not asking for your hand. I am merely offering you that which neither of us was brave enough to take in our foolish youth.' He angers a little at this.

'I have passion enough with Jane! And I am no longer a fool.'

'Aye. But you do wonder, surely?' Delicate fingers trace up the heated flesh of Thor's bare chest. 'And you have a penchant for the brunetted sort. Do not think it went un-noted, our similarities in look, my future King.'

A flush surfaces on Thor's face as he stares at the floor.

'I have no desire to be anyone's King. Any such remaining desire slipped from me as my brother died in my arms.' The unprompted mention of himself makes Loki retract his wandering hand in surprise and look down at it, breathing a sigh of relief when Sif's disguise remains. He bristles.

'Why would you think of _your brother_ as I stand here, offering myself to you as a kind act of friendship?'

'Because his insatiable need for power was what led him to imprisonment - it is what left him powerless to Frigga's death and ultimately what killed him. His desire for the throne drove him to destruction and manipulation I thought him incapable of.' Loki chokes down despair as he feels the truth of his brother's words cut through the air between them. 'Yet still, he died bathed in honour, saving my life and absolving himself of past sin - at least in my own eyes if in nobody elses. Such irony will forever haunt my mind.'

Thor's blue eyes pierce with emotion and his voice waivers. 'Tell me how I could want to rule, given all of this?'

'Because you are, and always have been, better than he.'

The words are spoken with such obvious truth that Thor throws Sif against the wall in anger, which shakes under the force, using his arms to pin like a vice. He always was irrational when it came to Loki.

'Do not speak like this!' Under the proximity, Loki pushes forward and kisses Thor. It is electric though fleeting, broken when Thor steps backward after a mere second. 'Do not test me so, Sif! It has been a most unfortunate afternoon for me and I am beginning to feel less myself than you are yourself.'

'Thor, you can do no wrong - you are a _God_. Seize this opportunity - I will not offer it again. You have made confession of your deprivation; it would be an insult to me were you not to take it.'

He loosens his grip.

'But Jane would not forgive me, and I care for you in a platonic way far more than-'

'Jane knows _nothing_ of godliness! Your needs are far beyond her comprehension.' Thor angers again at this.

'Midgardians have humanity and understanding that would embarrass our people if only they sought it.'

'And yet I know a carnal warrior that stands before me, denying and delaying himself of many privileges that mortals could scarcely dream up. Tell me, _future King_ , if she could not understand the insatiable, unfulfilled desire of that which she cannot provide to you as a maiden, would Jane deny you of further privilege when you have already sacrificed so much?'

'You speak in riddles I can barely follow.'

'Then quiet mine lips with your own. Unleash the warrior that you so well lock away.' Loki's Sif-disguised mouth captures Thor's again and this time he doesn't immediately retract. In fact, Thor succumbs, slipping his tongue into the oddly cool and delicate mouth and he pulls at the long dark hair his fingers have entwined, eliciting a breathy moan of surprise and a tightened grip on his shoulders, before gently moving his lips away and pressing them to the forehead they seek, his eyes firmly closed as he speaks.

'Thank you, dear friend, but I am more than a man of lust.'

As Thor finally steps back, Loki notices the expression before him transform to something utterly unreadable, a realisation perhaps. He looks down to his hands, and sees his own.

***


	2. Chapter 2

'I can explain, broth-' But the word is knocked out of him as a forceful fist collides with his jaw. He remains stunned as Thor throws a punch with his other hand, equaling out the violence as he flings Loki into the already brittle wall that crumbles around him.

'Brother-'

As Thor throws him through a solid oak coffee table, almost shattering his godly spine, Loki realises he may have to fight back quicker in order to not be murdered in a bloody, brotherly rampage. He offers a blow to Thor's side, which proves ineffectual on such blind rage. They hurtle through another wall and the next thing Loki sees is Mjolnir flying through the air to its owner's rightful hand. He's swept up by Thor, and they smash through a tiny window, storming through the air at skin-peeling speed.

Clinging onto Thor for dear life while midair, Loki can almost pretend that their proximity is intimate and gentle, just for a moment. Then they land roughly - tearing down a few trees and cracking the ground in a dense forest - Loki presumes somewhere extremely remote in New York State. He knows much more about Midgard than anybody suspects.

'Keeping harm away from your precious Earthlings, brother?' He manages between choked breaths as Thor's assault continues. Though he tries his best to fight back, it is not really worth his time. Despite his best efforts and the fact that Loki is a powerful god, he is absolutely no match in strength.

Thor runs out of steam eventually however, drawing Mjolnir to his hand (for he hadn't used it in battle) and placing it down on a thoroughly exhausted, absolutely battered Loki.

'And what now, _Mighty Thor?_ '

The air around them is strange. Thor observes his younger brother as he lies defeated beneath the hammer, breathing harshly, staring at him in defiance. Loki's eyes are focused, stubborn and piercingly green with rage, among other things Thor hopes he imagines. He has a little dried blood smeared on his face, some fresh trickling from his nose and dripping to his lips. Thor imagines the metallic tang of it. Without thinking, he raises his hand, grazing his thumb across the tight, bloodied mouth.

Loki loosens his lips and allows Thor to push his curious digit further; it greeted by a hot, panting tongue as the stubborn mouth shapes itself into a pleasant 'o'. Thor releases a groan he wasn't aware of holding and Loki chooses this second to turn his pleasurable actions into a fierce bite, his teeth breaking Thor's skin with a vice-like malice.

Much to his brother's dismay, Thor simply sucks in air sharply, not even attempting to pull his hand away after the initial shock of it. Annoyed, Loki releases the captured thumb from his mouth so that he can speak, never breaking eye contact. Thor licks it.

'Does my blood stir somethi-'

'You.' It is a formidable declaration, kind question and interrogation all at once.

'I-' But Loki is cut short as Thor plunges his index and middle finger into the warm, silvertongued mouth. They curve as Loki's mouth accommodates willingly once more, tongue lapping at them greedier this time. Thor wears a look of intensity that his brother swears he has never seen on him before. Surely his actions could not affect him so? He bites again.

'You...Always...You.'

Loki muffles a spiteful laugh at the lack of coherence offered to him. Thor rests his thumb below snarling lips, cupping a tense jaw beneath him, pondering in a frozen moment. Then, he pulls his fingers out and closes the remaining distance between them, kissing hungrily and commandingly, to which Loki responds in panicked earnest, their mouths working in a complete cooperation that mocks their eventful evening.

Eventually, they must breathe.

'Oh how I _loathe_ the favoured Son of Odin. Debauched and depraved as I am,' Filled with venom, Loki's words couldn't be more fitting for the soul venting forth. 'Though I didn't believe it until just now - nor would anyone else. How your future crown befalls you, _brother_.'

Thor breaks eye contact at this, truly ashamed of what actions have been stirred in him. Different emotions resurface and engulf him once more.

'You were dead. You died, Loki. Twice I have mourned you, twice I have watched you slip away. I held you in my arms...'

'And yet I live by miracle, only to be pummeled to near-death at the hand of my only kin.' Loki licks his own lips and tastes bitterness, 'Does it please you to see me lie defeated and cracked open under your brutish power?'

He sucks in air as Thor closes his hands around his pulsating throat, tightening until finally - finally, Thor sees more than just vehemence in his brother's face.

'Do not speak to me of miracles - you have cheated death and betrayed me as I knew you would.' He keeps the pressure on, 'Didn't I say I would kill you if you tried? Didn't I?!' As Thor presses down harder, Loki responds with widened eyes - genuine, sorrowful - regret venting outward that reminds Thor of Svartelheim. He finally lets go.

As Loki struggles for air, Thor twists a fist into his knotted hair and pins his head flush with the ground, watching as the pale jugular pulses out of a mottled neck, lungs working overtime to compensate for the lack of oxygen. It's all just too irresistible - _too much_ \- Thor must taste it to know that it lives, pulses. So he does - eliciting a breathy, feral grunt from Loki as he still struggles for breath yet gives into pleasure, selfish beast that he is.

'Mmm brother, so bad.' Loki stutters, 'So very _bad_. Do I taste delicious?' Thor pulls his battered armour off in one fell swoop and tears his tunic, licking a long stripe across his exposed collarbone.

'You taste of lies.'

'Mmmm.' Using all the seidr he can muster, Loki shapeshifts into a female version of himself, his voice identical, mockingly seductive. 'Care to use your tongue to explore other crevices unkown to us both?'

Thor slaps him across the face, hard.

'I want you as you are. No more tricks.'

Loki smirks, disguise smacked away anyway.

'So you admit your want for me, brother?' His mouth curls with coy. Thor looks completely torn, and hesitates.

'Though you died with honour, I mourned you much more sorrowfully this time around.' His eyes prickle with simmering, hot tears that are too stubborn to fall. 'I love you, and I missed you.'

The very sight breaks a piece of Loki's heart.

'I didn't ask whether you mourned me, or that you love me.' He spits out with malice. The response awards Loki with another hard punch, which draws yet more blood, this time from his lip. 'Oooh, you really do have a mighty right hook, don't you?'

'Yes, I want you, Loki!'

'Yes, but do you _want_ me?' Blood trickles to the corner of his dry mouth, and he pulls his brother down to share it with him, perverted as he is. They can barely breathe through the thickness of crushing desire.

'I will always want you, brother.'

It's spoken gently, but firmly - a promise given with little air between their faces as Thor rubs his thumb across Loki's bruised cheekbone. He grimaces.

'Then punish me as you see fit. I have been a very bad god.'

Thor stares at the berry-bruised lips beneath him and loses what little fight he had left within.

'Valhalla help our souls.' He says ruefully as he lifts Mjolnir from Loki's torso, tossing it aside and pulling his already debauched-looking brother to his knees. Loki has no time to question it before he is harshly thrown down again, pinned by Thor's brute force as he assails his mouth, tasting a coppery tang mixing with their tongues.

He wastes no time - hands unlacing Loki's leggings quickly - he pulls them down to expose a lithe spread of thighs along with Loki's unashamed hardness, skin pale and shimmering under the setting sun. After admiring this, he removes what remains of the torn tunic, desperately mouthing random pieces of taut, prickled torso, creating fresh bruises over recent ones with little firm bites. Loki digs his nails into the earth.

'Look at you, using me when I am already battle-wounded and exhausted.' His whimpers are defiant.

'Silence.' Thor is painfully aroused as he sucks at a nipple (while hardly believing he is doing so), stiffening it into a little peak as he traces the other between his finger and thumb - a tantalising tactic that works - Loki is temporarily shushed. Though not for long.

'Are you going to take me in hand, or will I have to pleasure myself?' Loki bristles, and Thor smacks his hand away.

'You can wait, selfish creature.'

'Oooooh, I do like you when you're all formidable. Do with me as you wish, _my King_...' Loki's shaky cackle is delicious, and it's all Thor can do to not punch him again for being so inappropriately sordid.

Instead, he decides to take the next step without any real thought of consequence, instead listening to fervour like the primal animal he is. He has no practice in this, but he is wise enough to know that some kind of preparation must be needed, so he spits into his own hand, rubbing his saliva deftly around the sweet spot that is forbidden and sinful and goodness, does it feel so tight as he presses his middle finger in. Loki squirms, unable to hold back a moan that vibrates across Thor's sweat-soaked neck as he presses the thick digit in all the way with a force that pushes past all resistance - and surprises both of them. 

Loki bites at Thor's jugular when he stills the finger, evidently scared to cause any harm.

'Take me rough and dry, brother,' He huffs impatiently, 'I know it is how you wish it to be.'

'I do not-'

' _I deserve it._ ' Spoken more like a cry than a demand, Thor takes the words as a plea that he will neither dispute nor carry out, preferring to silently add a second finger, gentler this time, and working them both softly inside until Loki can clearly not take the timid, burning pressure any longer.

' _Please..._ '

They are both drowning in desire.

Despite the (somewhat limited) preparation, Thor is huge and Loki is so tight that and burning hot that it is almost impossible to penetrate him at first. Thor is being too gentle, too caring. It is such a fault and a shame, Loki thinks. He is such a proud, magnificent beast that it is a waste to be so considerate.

'Does Jane, uhn-' Loki looks up with eyes full of seductively green malice as Thor works further in. His legs are wrapped loosely around Thor's back, 'Does she do it like this? Cant her hips just so? Oh whoops, I forgot-'

'Do not speak her name!' Thor thrusts harder than before, blind with rage and Loki smiles menacingly, getting just what he wants. 'Unless you truly want me to murder you, brother.'

'Mmmm, brother.' Loki purrs at the use of the word. 'Murder me if you must, _brother_ , but know this, fellow deviant - she could never give you what you need.'

'Loki...'

'What you _crave_ -' he moans and bites at his own wicked truths, 'what you deserve-'

'Cease your sinful tongue-'

'Make me.'

Again, Thor shoves his fingers right into Loki's mouth, thumb pushing under his jawline. They both moan at the odd sensation it brings, Loki's mouth vibrating around the taste of his own shame, noises muffled and words with nowhere to go while Thor fucks him mercilessly into the dirt, finally, fully inside of him. He tightens his legs around his brother's waist, biting into his fingers out of painful need this time - not malice. The ground beneath them fractures.

After a few minutes, Thor removes his hand from Loki's mouth and grabs hold of his woefully neglected cock, spit-soaked digits rhythmically drawing a howling cry from Loki, followed by indecipherable pleas. Loki can do nothing but come in hot, streaky bursts between them both, and all the while Thor stares down, soaking up every moan, every muscle, while he keeps his pace hard and harsh.

Loki squirms beneath him as Thor continues his relentless thrusting. He pins Loki's arms down with his own as he stares down at his brothers wide, almost-fragile eyes. They share a kiss that starts as aggressive as all the ones prior, but then Loki whimpers and Thor releases his arms - to find that they instinctively wrap around Thor's neck, fingers lovingly weaving their way through his golden, gorgeous hair. Thor halts his thrusts. The kiss softens, again instinctively from Loki, and he whimpers once more - a vulnerable, lovely little sound from the back of his wicked silvertongued throat.

That is the undoing of Thor. So rapt, so overridden with pleasure he is, it just about registers with him that Loki is coming too - again - moaning into his mouth, a total and satisfied mess.

_Satisfaction is not in my nature._

_Surrender is not in mine._

Eventually, Thor pulls out and collapses on top, resting his head on Loki's pale and heart-pounding chest. Loki mindlessly caresses his hair, too clouded and sated to speak first, full of rarely seen affection that he cannot simply hide.

'I love you,' Thor admits.

Loki says nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading thus far, comments (both good or bad) would be very much appreciated if you have the time. This is my first Thorki so I am feeling somewhat self-conscious!


	3. Chapter 3

They lay silently for a while in their loose embrace as the sun sets, unsure of what action to take. The dense forest feels like it is protecting them from harm, a distinct sort of harm that begs to destroy all in its path.

'I hate you.' Loki eventually and cooly responds to the statement from many minutes before, but his voice is too devoid of its usual disdain. 'I will always hate you.' He reiterates his point as though that will help prove it. Thor laughs warmly, to his dismay.

'But - I think that you _love_ in equal measure...'

Loki falls silent again at his brother's obvious truth, lies faltering.

'You saved me.' Thor continues, as he lifts his head up so that he can see his brother's face. Loki smiles sadly, eyes impossibly green and defeated.

He does not have the bravery to say _you saved me too_. 

***

Some time later they are walking through the forest together, still not quite ready to take the next step, terrified of what has transpired already. Thor has Mjolnir around his belt, and as he watches Loki walk beside him with a suspicious and scheming glance delicately dancing across his features, he is tempted to pin him to the ground again so that he cannot evade. 

Finally, Thor halts, knowing he cannot keep the questions to himself any longer. He can still feel the burning heat of Loki's pulsing neck, tasted with teeth and tongue; he lives.

His brother lives.

'What happened on Svartelheim?'

'It matters not.' The response does not satisfy Thor. He grabs Loki by the shoulders of his torn tunic and battered armour, burning further still. Loki's cuts and bruises are already healing, but Thor wonders if any scars will remain even at least transiently. 

'It matters a _great deal_ , Loki - you died in my arms - you - I -' 

Loki snaps, calm but clearly affected.  
  
'I thought I had died, but I was wrong.' Thor grips tighter, but then loosens when he notices the sadness in his brother's features - always a weakness for him. Loki takes a small step back. 'To tell the truth, I do not know what happened.'

A pensive silence ensues.

'Where have you been?'

'That definitely matters not.' Loki shrugs it off dismissively, knowing it's fanning the flames as Thor grabs his clothes once more. They are ready to bicker again like brothers growing up.

'Of course it does! Much time has passed-'

'No time at all for us gods! You forget our practical immortality. Particularly my seemingly _potent_ blend of it...'

'Enough with your elaborate sentences, stop evading answers.' Thor growls, 'Why now? Why disguised as Sif?'

'Because you are a fool for your emotions.' Loki spits out his response, despising the reminder of other people who mean something to Thor, 'Though I must say, you stayed a true gentlemen to my kind offer, not at all feral Asgardian as I had anticipated. Perhaps Midgard does serve you well.'

'Loki...'

'Well... that was until you beat the living Hel out of _me_. And then pinned me to the ground and-'

'Loki! Answer me. Where have you been?' '

'You ask again?'

'I will ask once more before I threaten you properly.' Thor's hands start to curl around Loki's neck.

'Ooooh, but how I do enjoy your newfound way of threatening me.'

' _Where_ have you been?'

Loki's eyes widen as he realises which step to next take. He smiles before the words have left his tongue.

'You will never know where to find me.' 

The grip tightens instinctively.

'Then I would have you again, Loki.'

***

It is somehow angrier, grander the second time. At first, Thor is less caring and Loki is more resentful as they struggle for the balance of power, angrily submitting to emotions that they both know wrong.

'You will _never_ leave me-' 

'I will, I will leave you every time.' Loki chokes as Thor pulls his head right back by fisting his hands into tattered black hair. 'And one day I will kill you.' Thor does not take kindly to this sentiment, ripping Loki's armour off and tearing his tunic once and for all, layers falling to the floor. 

Loki laughs manically as he feels his brother's hands knead over his freshly healed skin with greed. 

'Intimately, when you are least expecting my betrayal.'

He fucks Loki into a tree, a beautiful thing. Loki observes it as a northern red oak, typical of this climate and geography, ruby red leaves atop that are proudly attempting to diguise the stout branches quivering beneath.

'Not if I kill you first.'

Loki looks down to his own arms as they wrap around the tree, hands clutching at the bark as though his very life depended on it. He expects to see his skin mottled an ugly Jotunn blue, a shameful truth that he cannot deny, but instead he notes that he's never looked more luminescent under the pale and timid moonlight of Midgard. As his brother continues to hold him in place with a powerful warrior grip on his hips, he feels his eyes tingle with tears that have dared not surface since that ill-favoured day in Odin's Vault.

Ice shoots out of Loki's hands in jittering bursts that he seems not to have much control over, such pleasure that tumbles from his mouth while freezing the life out of the oak beneath him, eventually fracturing its core and snapping it as though it were a twig. As it hurtles towards the ground and rumbles the earth, Loki scrambles to seek purchase on something else, only to have Thor hold him in place mid-air as though it is nothing - as though he is a weightless specimen for the taking - before pushing him possessively into the ground, making his hands and elbows grapple at the dewy emerald moss as Thor continues thrusting like nothing's changed.

Except everything's changed.

Buried deep, Thor leans atop Loki, drags hands up his slender back and closes them around his neck, choking air from lungs as his jolts become slower, but no less enraged.

'Thor,' Loki rasps, 'Brother. You're hurting me.'

'You have hurt me in ways unimaginable.'

'Spend a lifetime in-' Loki struggles, '-in shadows before you speak of hurt.'

Thor's rhythm falters, then growls.

'Mourn me twice and then speak of hurt... Mourn me even whilst I _live,_ as I have with you.' Thor's voice trembles as it roars, possessive grip pulling Loki closer by the throat. 'Mourn for your brother's wayward soul - mourn that which you cannot save-'

'I cannot breathe.' 

Thor releases Loki's neck from his hands suddenly, body falling onto the dirt and moss beneath as he trembles under Thor's angry weight. He grinds his motions to a halt, and Loki burns all over with desire that he knows will never be truly sated by anybody else. Thor pulls out and Loki feels pathetic, hollow, ashamed.

'Turn around.' 

Loki complies without hesitation, hating himself for it. 

'I am sorry.'

All they can see is each other. As Loki looks up into crystalline blue eyes filled with truth and purity, he can hardly bear it. His brother, his enemy, his friend. His own eyes fill up with tears for the second time in the evening, glassy and delicate. 

'I'm not.' He lies.

Thor kisses him passionately, lips greedy but tender as they explore the inviting mouth offered. After a while, he pushes into Loki again, eliciting a breathy, shameless moan. He works him slow and hard and just the right side of painful with his impressive girth, peppering kisses over his face and neck until Loki is practically malleable.

Just when Loki's orgasm is building momentum, Thor stops.

'Where have you been?' Loki whines at the loss of rhythm. Thor simply repeats his question. 'Where have you been?'

'You will find out soon enough,' He huffs, 'Don't spoil the surprise.'

'Deceit...' Thor growls, simmering again, 'Treacherous liar-'

'I've been watching you.' The words spill out of Loki's mouth before he can think, so absorbed in desire he is as Thor continues with deep thrusts that pierce pleasure within him. 'Always- I need-mmm-'

'What, this?' Thor grabs Loki's painfully hard cock and he bucks to the touch, whimpering in that way from their previous coupling that was the undoing of Thor. 'Harder?'

'No...' Loki can scarcely speak, silvertongue rendered useless, 'Yes...'

Thor moans before he speaks.

'How do you watch me?' He implores Loki with a serious look, ceasing his movements again as Loki gasps for breath, 'Tell me, how?'

'Through sorcery you can scarcely imagine...'

' _Why_ do you watch me, Loki?' Thor begins to thrust in slow earnest when he doesn't respond, entwining Loki's hands with one of his own, caressing his cock with the other. Thor's sweat is seared on his skin, heat pressed into every crevice of his mind and body as the word _why_  gently repeats itself in the surrounding air. 

'Because I - I -' And with that thought foremost in his mind, Loki comes hard, shuddering as his release splatters between him and Thor in a most violent way; Thor follows immediately, as though he was waiting for the perfect moment to strike, both of them feral and lost to all of the worlds. 

Loki feels as though he is fractured into pieces. Thor holds him close and he feels like a pathetic maiden in his brother's strong and protective arms, a fleeting Midgardian, a nobody who has been duped by their own emotions.

'Mother was right about my lack of self-perception.' He manages after some time has passed, and their hearts have calmed a little. 'I feel like I could burn inside with all my thoughts and regrets and lies. Even to myself, I trick until the truth is but a haze.'

'I can help you, brother.' This hurts more than anything else, because he knows that Thor truly believes it.

'I fear that I cannot even help myself.' Loki's features look soft and pure as a rare honesty gives itself away through vivid eyes under the light of the moon and stars. His voice contrasts in defiance. 'But know this Thor, you were right before. Even when I hate you with all of my heart, I will always love you in equal measure - impossibly so. That is constant; the one thing that will never change. It has always and will always be abstract in my thoughts, and if I am lucky, it will be made concrete once again in future as it has been on this eve.'

'You say "in future," but what of now?'

'I haven't decided yet,' He twiddles Thor's blonde hair pensively with long fingers that have been desperate to touch for a long, long time. 'Can we not just lie here a while and contemplate our delectable sin?'

Thor says nothing, but presses a tender kiss to his lips.

***

At dawn, when Loki has finally replenished enough of his own powerful seidr to slip out of Thor's vice-like grip and retreat back to the throne like a coward, he takes what he can from that eventful day, compartmentalises it and turns it back into abstraction. For this is the only way he can function. If it is all but a fragment in his maddened mind, it is of no true threat, he thinks.

It is the only way he may continue his plans without burning at how wrong he could be, how things could be different if only fate did not deem it so. But what he cannot so easily repress is how much he hates himself, burning aflame for reifying that which should never have been.

Many days (and restless nights) later, he is practising different elements of sorcery in the privacy of his own chambers, protected by a glamour. It is here Loki realises that the coupling has caused alteration in some of his spells - the influence so strong that it has manifested through magic intrinsic to his own being.

He ponders the words _satisfaction_ and _surrender_ , and how they can both be one and the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading my first Thor/Loki, I hope you enjoyed it. Comments are very welcome!


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